Touching The Untouchables #2: Charlemagne (AKA Great Man My Ass!! #2)

And next in our continuing series of Famous Yet Pathetic Guys (or Guys You're Supposed To Think Of As Great But Who Were Actually Scumbags), let me present Charlemagne and the story of his God-like wrath in the name of his beloved Prince Of Peace.

 

Yes it's true, this guy was about as Christ-like as they come, at least if you consider Christ to be somewhat Hitler-esque. While in power he forced all those under his rule - which covered much of Western Europe - to convert to Catholicism, and those who refused were simply slaughtered. In one day, in fact, he had 4,500 people in Saxony beheaded for practicing paganism. He wasn't the first to slaughter people in the name of Christ and he most certainly wouldn't be the last, but I think he can easily find a home in our Great Man My Ass!! Hall Of Fame as well as inside its close cousin the Great Man Of Hypocrisy Hall Of Shame.

 

And, yes, I do look forward to any responses or replies explaining why Charlemagne and his mass slaughter of innocents - like Jefferson with all his slaves - can't and shouldn't be judged because "Hey, everyone was doin' it back then" (just like anti-Semites persecuting and slaughtering Jews, men beating the shit out of their wives, good ol' boys - and girls - lynching blacks down in the good ol' South during the Good Ol' Days, and so much more supposedly-acceptable-because-it-happened-way-back-when bullshit). If that's what you're into (rationalizing that kind of shit), then bring it on!

Myself, I'm confident in the knowledge that there have always been good people (and leaders/rulers) who did the right thing, as well as those who chose not to. Mass-murderin' Charlemagne, I assure you, was not one of the good guys. He may have promoted literature and the arts and he was unquestionably a Great Man Of Power, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

So, come on, throw away your Great Man-worshipping history textbooks and shout it out loud with me: CHARLEMAGNE WAS A GREAT MAN MY ASS!!!

 

Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)

Friday, November 18th, 2005

 

And, if you like history, may I suggest The Winston Churchill Rant

 

Or this: History Has Spoken: Bush Finally Seals The Deal

 

Or this: The Mindless Nationalism Rant: Vimy Ridge, Vimy Ridge, Vimy Ridge

 

Or this: Touching The Untouchables #1: Thomas Jefferson

 

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