Matrixed In Kolkata: A Lesson Learned

HOW TO NOT ENJOY A MOVIE:

Go to a movie that is highly anticipated by thousands of pumped-up teenage boys and young men in their early-20's (98% boys and men/ 2% girls and women) on its opening day of nation-wide release across India.

Yes, we're talking about "The Matrix Reloaded"and there we were out in front of the theater pushing through the crowds, trying to buy tickets for the second screening on the very first day. All the normal seats were sold out, but they still had a few of the special double-priced "box seats" left. We said what the hell, paid the 80 rupees each (by comparison tickets for "The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers" had cost us only 20 rupees) and went in to find our special seats. This was a big 2,000-plus seat theater and these special "box seats" were in the back corner and were definitely not the best seats in the house by any means. Our seats were red while the normal seats were black, but I'm not quite sure if that was worth double money. I asked the couple next to us and was informed that these "box seats are for couples", as if that explained bad seats being sold for double the money. So there we were in the "couple seats"/the making out seats/the safe-from-the-stares-of-others seats when the movie - and chaos - began.

The film was in English with no subtitles and the simple fact is that most of these teenagers probably couldn't follow the dialogue, but even if they could have I don't think it would've made any difference. We got our first taste of what we were in for right as the very first scene began and the audience (crowd?) let out a gigantic roar. There was clapping. There was shouting. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was pandemonium. It was as if we were watching a cricket match and someone had just stroked someone else through the covers and then followed it up by a short-arm pull! It was as if Charlie The Babaji had just walked in! It was like we were at a Spinal Tap concert! It was NOT the ideal setting to try and watch a film.

We're obviously not talking about high art here, but I did kind of expect to be able to hear what was happening and I was hoping I might, you know, be able to follow the story; however, that was basically impossible, was out-of-the-question, and was not-going-to-happen as these "Big Matrix Fans" clearly had no interest in the actual plot and were only there to watch the fight scenes. Whenever there was a non-fighting scene with some dialogue everyone started talking; and, therefore, as you can imagine, there was absolutely no way for us to follow the story or plot.

Yes, that's right, the Big Matrix Fans were simply there to cheer on the fight scenes - they may as well have been watching a video game! Talk about frustrating. But I guess those of us in the double-priced nicely-red-colored "box seats for couples" weren't really supposed to be watching the film anyway, now were we? However, aside from not having made-out in a movie theater since my junior high school days, how could we have possibly done such a thing (even if we had wanted to), what with the couple next to us sitting together with their 2 young kids and all?

So, we did our best to try and watch (and hear) the film and we tried even harder to imagine that we were actually at a movie and not at some WWF Smackdown or whatever it's called (you know, the fake wrestling that The Most Mindless Of The Mindless seem to find extremely entertaining). As the cheering, clapping and shouting raged on I imagined the following conversation between Teenage Guy Who Saw The Movie and Teenage Guy Who Didn't:

Indian Teenage Guy #1: "Hey man, you saw 'The Matrix Reloaded'? Wow! You're lucky man! What was it about?"
Indian Teenage Guy #2: "Who knows? Who cares? But you should have seen the awesome fighting scenes man! You've got to see it! Neo takes on a hundred Agent Smiths. It was amazing! Man you've really got to see it!"

And before you say "Ah, Mike, don't be so hard on the Indian teenagers", I've gotta tell you I'm not! I'm actually being very generous considering what went on in there. If you were there you'd understand. What I've been wondering is this: Do you think they'd cheer, shout, clap, scream and yell at a Woody Allen movie as well? Or how about, say, "Saving Private Ryan" or even "The English Patient"? But the truth is most Indians, especially adults, won't be going to "The Matrix Reloaded" to cheer, watch or even escape the heat and have an afternoon nap. No, most will miss "The Matrix" to instead go and see yet another wonderfully mindless (sorry, I mean entertaining), ridiculously over-the-top, melodramatic Bollywood tree-dancing movie. But that's a whole other topic.

We've thought about returning to see the movie again (and hopefully hear it for the first time), but going back is just too damn scary and is fraught with way too much risk - the odds are simply far too great that if we were to return the cheerers would most likely return along with us. It'd be too much to bear - no matter what color the seats.

So, there you have it: The Best Way To Not Enjoy A Movie. A lesson learned, but, alas, nothing gained.


Mike Cowie
Saturday, July 5th, 2003