The Disgusting Nipple Rant

I've spent the past week reading and hearing all about the huge "scandal" involving Janet Jackson's breast/tit/boob making its big surprise appearance at the Superbowl Halftime Show. Supposedly this one breast, this one tit, this one boob, has caused "outrage", "shock", "horror" and "disgust" in some quarters in America. My only question is this: Who are these people? What kind of people are "outraged" at the sight of a breast? Surprised, yes. Stimulated, perhaps. But how could anyone actually be upset, disturbed or outraged by one single human breast?

Now I've seen my fair share of breasts in my time, some publicly displayed, others bared in private, and I've never - not even once - been disgusted or outraged or sickened or disturbed. I mean, really, what kind of person thinks the sight of a breast is some big, horrible deal? Is it supposed to harm kids, this momentary glimpse of a tit? Is that supposed to be the problem? Don't young kids see their mom's tits in the bathtub? And as for the older kids and, especially, teenagers is there a single kid out there, boy or girl, who hasn't been curious enough to get their hands on a Playboy magazine at some point? And for those who've somehow never seen a tit since the day they stopped breast-feeding, how exactly does seeing one harm them now? I mean how can the sight of a breast possibly hurt or harm anyone for fuck sakes?!

And what, I'd love to know, do these sex-obsessed, body-terrified, unbelievably uptight weirdos do when they, or their kids, come across a National Geographic magazine or TV documentary showing bare-breasted tribal women in parts of Africa? Do they scream? Do they faint? Do they sacrifice a goat to appease God? Or, more likely, do they organize mass magazine (or TV) burnings, like they did with Elvis, Beatles and Dixie Chicks albums/CD's?

However, any even-partially-intelligent person knows that it's not the kids who are harmed or shocked by the sight of Janet's exposed breast. No, the kids would be laughing and chanting "I saw her tit. I saw her tit". Rather than the kids it's obviously the sex-obsessed, body-terrified, extremely uptight (adult) freaks themselves who are shaken and disturbed by this runaway breast.

But why? How? Especially since we're not even really talking about a breast now are we? We're really only talking about a nipple. You can see just about all of The Breast just about every day: at the shopping center, on the street, definitely at the beach, on magazine covers, on prime-time TV, on MTV, wherever, whenever. What you're not supposed to see is that tiny part of the body called the nipple. But what's so bloody scary - or threatening - about the nipple? We all have them. And, yeah, seeing a woman's nipple can be tantalizing, exciting and even fun (at least for us guys), but, again, how can it possibly be shocking or disturbing? How can it cause outrage?

So, again I ask, are there really, truly, honestly people out there who are actually outraged at the sight of a woman's nipple? Are there really such incredibly-totally-completely-unbelievably-and-ridiculously pathetic people out there?

At first I thought "No way. This is just something created by the media", but then I remembered an article I read recently about how the southern U.S. state of Georgia's government is now trying to downplay Darwin's "controversial" theory of evolution while, at the same time, trying to promote the "alternative theory" of "creationism". In high school biology class!! Creationism: you know, the wacko fundamentalist Christian view that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago by God - and the dinosaurs, etc. never really existed. Yeah and the world is flat, Elvis lives, Mary was a virgin, Mick Jagger is truly an agent of Satan, Paul is dead, and Puff The Magic Dragon DID live by the sea damn it! Really he did! This "creationism" fable/myth-telling crap as part of the state school's science curriculum?! These people actually do exist. Not living in caves or in cults in the bush, but running things - things like the American state of Georgia! And they're not only fighting against science. These obviously must be the same people who get outraged by the sight of tits and nipples.

The scariest thing is that these completely ignorant - I should say proudly ignorant - anti-intellectual, tit-fearing fundamentalists actually get to vote and help decide who will win the presidential election in November. Hell, it might even become an election issue, like the current gay-bashing that's become so popular. "Vote for me, I'm for constitutional amendments banning not only gay marriage but all disgusting tit displays as well". Fuck yes! And while they're at it maybe they can pass one more amendment banning science class and replacing it with Bible study class.

Finally, let me just say that I sure hope that Darwin's theories were correct and that I'll live to see the day when these fundamentalist science-and-tit-fearing morons die out naturally and the bare breast takes its rightful - and open - place as the naturally-selected fittest of the species.

Long live the non-offensive, non-disgusting, non-disturbing, non-upsetting, non-shocking and non-outrage-causing bared-breast!

Oredakedo (Mike Cowie)
Monday, February 9th, 2004