What If: The Sex and Hunger Rant

What if religion and, especially, hardcore religious types treated hunger (one of the essential human drives) the same way they treat sex (another of the essential human drives)? What if they were to be suffering from the same Obsession/Repulsion Disorder in relation to food as they are in relation to sex and human sexuality? Can you imagine it? I sure can:

You thought about a cheese sandwich outside of meal time? Say 10 Hail Marys.

She ate lunch outside of the prescribed and sanctified lunch hour, stone her to death!

He ate an orange off of his tree before the harvest ceremony had made the eating of oranges sacrosanct, 50 lashes and then 2 years of shunning for the Infidel!

They enjoyed a pizza together. That is disgusting, despicable, immoral, repulsive, God-hating behavior. She must have tempted him. Put her to death. Give him a couple of lashes.

That movie insinuated that Christ had hunger cravings! Picket the theaters and boycott the corporate parent company of the studio! Christ may have been half fully human, but he sure as hell never thought about food! Only a depraved mind would ever even consider such a horrendously disrespectful thing about Our Lord.

That book suggested that the Prophet ate a piece of fruit before it was ripe, burn the vile, evil book and kill the wretched author for God!

Beware of Satan and all of his wicked ways: If one were to give into Satan's temptations by thinking about food too often one just might find oneself banished to Purgatory. And if one were to fail to feel appropriately guilty enough about ones sinful thoughts one might not even make it as far as Purgatory. Just something to think about children.

God is watching you whenever you touch your food. Don't play with your own food! For God's sake don't be a sinner! Don't force God to judge you!

She felt tempted when she saw that beef jerky. He got excited when he saw those peaches. From now on they must be chaperoned whenever in the presence of beef jerky and peaches.

She enjoys her food too much - way too much! I mean, she enjoys it once a day sometimes. She needs a lobotomy to control her sinful cravings.

Cookies tempt people, therefore all cookies must stay covered whenever outside of their own cookie jars, especially whenever in the presence of those who desire cookies.

All food must be eaten in the Seated-In-Chair position, all other positions are immoral and an abomination.

Thou shall not dip thy hand into thy friend's box of Fruit Loops, lest thou forget the glory God has bestowed upon thy sanctified union with thine box of Fruit Tarts. Should thou even lookith at another's box, not only shall thou go boxless till death, but seven generations of thy progeny shall also be completely deprived of box (Fruit Loops, Fruit Tarts and all other).

She put her cherry in her girlfriend's banana split when God clearly intended bananas, and only bananas, to go into banana splits. It's unnatural! It's disgusting! Just look at the shape of a banana split and you'll see God's intent. And as St. Paul himself said in 1 Cor. 6:9-10: One who puts thy banana where thy cherry should go, or vice versa, shall rot in hell for all eternity.

Mary went without food, like, you know, forever. In fact, she never ate food once in her life. Never even thought about eating. How did she do it? Well, she had Immaculate Ingestion. Man, was she ever pure!

Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Friday, May 4th, 2007


If you liked this piece you'll probably enjoy this one as well: Touching The Untouchables #5: Pedophile God


And this one too: The Don't Thank God For The Lunacy of The Runaway Ego Rant


And you should definitely check this out: Another Hilarious Stephen Colbert Clip: "Better Know a Lobby - Atheism"


For more on Religion click here: Religion


And for a somewhat different topic try this: Fear and Loathing in The Heartland: Republicans' Lovefest With Ignorance


Or this: Red, (Very) White and Clueless: The Tale of Two Americas


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Get Real?

Let's see, if you don't like a facet of religion, real or percieved, then you make up a quirk of an analogy, and attempt to make it equal and comparable to your twisted view. Wow, does this work if you defy physics too?

getting this avocado rolling

Dear Mikey C! As a Catholic, and therefore according to your modern open and tolerant worldview, a 'religious hardcore type' -i quiver at the suggestion, it makes me want to dress up in a Catholic school girl outfit- if we treated sex the same way we treat hunger, this is what would happen. Firstly, i would feel the vague distant stirrings in my guttyworks as i entered the fruit and vegatables section at Claytons Heritage Market, mmmm. I would look around to see if anyone was looking (except for Walt Whitman) and then i would sidle up to the asparagus rack. I would pretend to be working out the kilos/pounds, but i would be gazing at the long lean greeness of it, and how the shower of mist made the insides of their shiny stalks glisten. My eyes would move up the stalk, to where it protruded bulbously forth, its rank abundance beackoning me to take it to my lips. After another furitive glance, i would put my lips to it, savouring its succulence, but all the while, knowing that to bite is FORBIDDEN. I would run my tongue up its length, its raspy skin succulent to the touch. My eyes closed and my head swaying, i would dream Nina Simone music, as various fruit bounced free playing beach volleyball, joyously and jiggly, in fruit of the loom underpants. Suddenly "HEY!!" I look over and its Neils Payne-former midfielder for HMB-in his white smock and black tie pacing around his section, making sure there is no tomfoolery going on. "That food is for eating! Its meant to be nourishing for your body, not tantalizing your taste buds! Besides, you havent committed yourself to purchasing it. Your just using it to put it back, molested and spoiled for a shopper who might want to take it home and give it the care and cooking it was intended for! "Uh..." "Get the hell out of here" By now other shoppers had gathered around, shaking their heads at me, wondering what treatment their vegetables had received from one like me. Was that bruise on the peach gotten by a cowboy hatted Mexican squeezing it a little too hard down in California, or from something more...sinister? So i was banned from Claytons, and now write my sad tale sitting on some crates next to a dumpster outside of Extra Foods, peaking over when they dump that juicy dripping fruit, watching it drip and slide on top of each other in its uncensored and abandoneded tumble into the dark bottom. So, the next time you are in your organic garden with your conspicously overpriced freetrade coffee in your hand and notice your watermellons are moist and bruised, though there hasnt been any rain...beware Beware........................................................

Dave R.