Biggest Dicks of The Decade: 2000-2009
One thing I think everyone can agree on is the fact that this past decade has had more than its fair share of dicks. While almost everyone can agree on the dickishness of certain slimy characters out there, certain others inexplicably have their passionate defenders.
To my mind, however, over the past ten years quintessential dickishness has been defined by a select few.
So here it is, my list of the Biggest Dicks of The Decade:
#10. The Bankers at Goldman Sachs, Citigroup, etc
First they nearly bring down the world financial system through their greed and short-term lust for profit, selling worthless bundled derivatives and their like. Then, after taking a trillion dollar bailout, they go straight back to their old reckless ways and, just to rub it in, start handing out hundreds of billions of dollars in bonuses to employees who wouldn't even have jobs if it weren't for the taxpayers saving their institutions from complete collapse a few months earlier. Capitalism taken to its logical, unregulated extreme. And let's not forget all the mindless deregulating politicians and, of course, Ayn Rand disciple and Mr. Housing Bubble himself, Alan Greenspan, the once mighty head of the Fed. Dicks!
#9. Ahmadinejad and the Conservative Mullahs of Iran
Rolling back the democratic and social reforms of his predecessor, fixing elections, labeling the Holocaust a sham, and sending out thugs to beat up, arrest, torture and even kill peaceful protestors and opposition supporters, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his supporters in the conservative theocracy have enough blood on their hands to make it onto anyone's list. Dicks!
#8. Robert Mugabe
This is a no brainer. For destroying a once prosperous country and for turning the breadbasket of southern Africa into a nation of famine and poverty that can only survive with massive food aid from abroad - all the while unleashing a reign of terror against his opponents in an attempt to cling to power at all costs - this guy defines and even radiates the term dick. Read more about this buffoon here: A Delusional Dictatorial Demagogue: The Mugabe (and Mbeki) Rant. Dick!
#7. The Israeli Government
The governments of Prime Ministers Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, and Benjamin Netanyahu, for their continued oppression of the Palestinian people; for the war on the people of Lebanon and the war on the people of Gaza, both featuring mass, disproportionate killings of civilians and horrific destruction. Then there's the continuing embargo on Gaza, leaving the people there living not just in the world's largest prison camp but also in a land of hopeless poverty and mounds of rubble. And let's not forget the Apartheid Wall through the West Bank and the never-ending and completely illegal appropriation of Palestinian land to build more and more Israeli settlements throughout the West Bank.
It's always fun to listen to Israel's knee-jerk defenders explain why all of this oppression and land stealing is not just ok, but is actually the Palestinians own fault. But the truth remains that this is one of the last bastions of outright brutal colonialism in the world. There are others too, of course, but Israel's constant refrain that it is the most civilized nation in the Middle East makes it a worthy member of this list on the grounds of flagrant hypocrisy alone. Dicks!
Yes, Canadians. It may shock some to see the famously nice, friendly and polite people of Canada making their first ever appearance on a Dicks of The Decade list, but this, I assure you, is a well-earned honor.
And we're not just talking about the country's leaders here; no, we're talking about most of the population.
Well, for our complacency and complicity in becoming the world's worst environmental degraders.
For accepting, with a seeming shrug of the shoulders, the humiliating reality of being the world's worst per capita greenhouse gas polluters.
For allowing our country to become a laughing stock at the recent Copenhagen climate change conference, where we were mocked daily as a "fossil".
For accepting the idea that we can get richer and richer while harming the rest of the world and the rest of the world can just go screw themselves.
For not standing up to our government and demanding that the oil sands be drastically scaled back or, at the very least, slowed down.
For believing we somehow deserve the wealth of the oil sands no matter the damage it may cause - utilizing some sort of medieval divine right of kings mentality.
For buying into the idea that cutting back on the oil sands will cost jobs, as if jobs are the only consideration in life. Cutting back on the slave trade cost jobs too, of course, as did banning whaling, and doing away with the asbestos industry, and outlawing smoking for those under 18, and banning landmines, and... So many things have cost jobs over the years, but simply had to be done for the good of humanity and/or the good of the planet. This is no different. Some things just have to go, or at least be cut back significantly. The oil sands are clearly one of those.
Ok, so perhaps Canadians do indeed belong on this list, you say to yourself, but why so high up, above killers and megalomaniacs like Ahmadinejad and Mugabe?
Well, it's true that Canadians aren't exactly killers, but if the climate change forecasts are correct Canadians will, per capita, be the most guilty when it comes to pointing blame for catastrophic worldwide destruction and death in coming decades. But few seem to even care. Self-Absorbed Dicks!
#5. The Dictators of China
Marking their sixth straight appearance on this list in six straight decades. A new record! That's six straight decades in a row of keeping the people down and keeping the Party going.
In order to justify their continued repression and dictatorship the Party argues that economic growth justifies anything and everything. As most of the world continues to suck up to them in the name of better trade relations, China's self-serving, luxury-life-living Communist overlords are becoming more and more easy to read. As they wholeheartedly embrace cutthroat capitalism and abandon any and all principals, other than Nationalism of course, it becomes clearer by the day that all these thugs really believe in is retaining power at all costs.
And when you consider their role in propping up petty dictators in places like North Korea, Burma and Sudan, oppressing the people of Tibet, and scuttling the Copenhagen climate change conference they probably should actually appear much higher on this list. Maoist Capitalist Oxymoronic Dicks!
#4. Kim Jong Mentally-il
Dear Leader does it again. Making the list for the second decade in a row.
As the North Korean people continue to suffer horrific poverty and famine, all more or less created by the People's Glorious Party of Democratic Socialism, Dickhead Kim lives in luxury in his 17 palaces watching foreign films, eating fine imported cuisine and, above all else, fighting for his son to be appointed his heir.
Think about it, a Communist monarchy. Three generations of the Kim family dictatorship. Grandpa was Great Leader, Dad is Dear Leader, so perhaps the son, who is now referred to as "The Brilliant Comrade" (really!), can be called Awesome Leader. Deluded Dicks!
#3. Omar al-Bashir
After spending the previous decade slaughtering the people of southern Sudan, Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir (in power since 1989) turned his attention to Darfur. As the world has stood by and watched, al-Bashir has orchestrated a killing campaign and reign of terror which has seen millions displaced, tens of thousands systematically raped, and hundreds of thousands killed. The Janjaweed (themselves Dicks of note) do the actual killing and raping, but the campaign is clearly planned, organized and cheered on by al-Bashir from the capital, Khartoum. Genocidal Dick!
#2. Osama bin Laden
Indiscriminate killing in the name of God is hardly new or in any way something that this jackass has improved on, but as far as mass-murdering fundamentalist dicks go, few top this loser for sheer bloodlust. Cave-Hidin' Dick!
#1. Bush and Dick (George W. and Cheney)
And the Biggest Dicks of The Decade are: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Not really a very big surprise, is it? Who else caused as much chaos, death and destruction as these two massive dicks during the past decade?
Sure bin Laden and co. killed three thousand innocent people on 9/11, but that's nothing compared to the mass slaughter and destruction unleashed by Bush and and his Sidekick Dick in their completely illegal, unnecessary and unprovoked invasion and occupation of Iraq. Osama looks like an absolute petty amateur in comparison to these mass murderers.
And let's not forget Katrina; the Patriot Act; wiretapping Americans; the Guantanamo Bay gulag; extraordinary rendition; the torture of detainees, many of whom were guilty of absolutely nothing; a skyrocketing national debt; and the biggest financial meltdown since the Great Depression; and oh so much more.
Whether Bush is indeed the Worst President In American History is perhaps still open to debate, but the fact that he and Cheney are The Biggest Dicks of The Decade is really beyond doubt.
Of course, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and the rest of the warmongering, neo-con team of hawks all deserve a mention too. As do all the members of Congress who went along for the ride.
Huge Dicks, every last one of them!
U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman is not quite important enough to make this list, but he is, without question, a Dick of magnificent proportions. From backing the Iraq War wholeheartedly, to backing and campaigning for John McCain for President (even though Lieberman himself was supposedly a Democrat), to personally killing the public option in the Senate's healthcare reform bill, this one-time Democratic Vice Presidential candidate has time and time again proved himself worthy of at least getting a mention on this list. Incoherent Dick!
Religious Fundamentalists of Every Stripe
Freakin' fundamentalists have always been a pox on peace-loving societies throughout history, but during this past decade they have really come out of the woodwork to dominate world affairs. Whether we're talking about al-Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan, the almost-complete takeover of the Republican party in America by fundamentalist Christians, or the rise of hardcore religious wackos in both Israel and Gaza, fundamentalists have been wrecking havoc across the globe. Medieval-Minded Dicks!
For selling his soul (and his nation down the river) for nothing more than a chance to be Bush's lapdog. For helping to sell the Iraq War using any means necessary. And for giving a giant finger to the people of the U.K., who were strongly against the war but whose opinion was dismissed as nothing more than a minor irritant on the road to Best Friends status with Tony's beloved buddy Bush. Pompous Dick!
The Mainstream Media
Those responsible for the buffoonery at FOXNews are obviously dicks of the first degree, but the fact is the entire mainstream media seemed to become a version of FOXNews for a few years there during the past decade.
Why exactly am I labeling the entire mainstream media a bunch of dicks? Well, here's the short list:
For mindlessly going along with the war propaganda that was spoon-fed to them by the Bush White House. For becoming cheerleaders for the so-called war on terror and the illegal invasion of Iraq. For completely abdicating their responsibility to seek out truth. And, almost just as bad, for becoming far more concerned with celebrity gossip than real news. Gullible, Spineless, Complicit Dicks!
For slowly dismantling democracy and a free press in Russia, Vladimir Putin. Vainglorious Dick!
For the ongoing oppression of the Burmese people and for keeping the Gandhi of Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi, locked up for most of the past two decades, the thugs of the Burmese Junta. Eternal Dicks!
Karl Rove, for orchestrating the whole sordid Bush legacy. Master Dick!
Finally, one last thing, do you think that when Cheney's parents named him Dick they somehow knew he'd one day ooze the very essence of dickishness and even top a Biggest Dicks of The Decade list or was it just one of those little accidents of history?
Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
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