The Grim Fairy Tale Rant (Bush, Blair and The Tale Of Brave Little Israel)

Ok, so first thing this morning, as I ate my breakfast, I turned on the news to get me off to yet another depressing start to yet another day and what do I find but these 2 bozos, Bush and Blair, doing a comedy routine in the guise of a press conference. They were taking turns spittin' out identical ideas and even identical phrases. First I thought they were going to start rapping, you know, tradin' rhymes; but then suddenly it seemed like they were so in love with one another's fantasy of the world that they were about to simultaneously expold in ecstasy, right there on live TV.

I mean, it's good to see two men bonding like that, but perhaps, like practitioners of S&M, it'd be best if they could keep their fantasies private. As you can imagine, it got a bit embarrassing to watch, especially when you consider how Blair at one time - long long ago - had seemed like such a great guy. In my rant last night I said Blair had his head up Bush's ass, but after watching this incredulous performance I have to admit that that description was way way too polite. There was, however, one fleeting moment there where I thought it looked like Blair was going to actually have an independent thought of his own and say something not completely identical to Bush... but I was mistaken.

Anyhow, best as I could make out, here's the fairy tale they were telling the children of the world:

Once upon a time there was a sweet, innocent, peaceful little girl named Israel who was walking through the woods to go see her grandma. All of a sudden, completely unprovoked by anything this little girl had ever done, a pack of nasty, evil, immoral, savage, barbaric and uncivilized Terrorist wolves came out from behind the trees where they had been lying in wait just looking for a chance to cause unprovoked and unjustified terror. Being Terrorists, of course, that's all they really knew. The Terrorists were sinister and demonlike, lacking in any sort of a soul, but little innocent, courageous Israel, well, she ran and ran to defend herself, which is all she had ever really wanted to do since her birth right up until the present. Ok, so she had burned down the Terrorist wolves forest a few times and killed many of their pups, but that was just an innocent mistake that really isn't even worthy of discussion. And she may keep a large pack of the Terrorists locked up in her basement and many others confined within fences she has erected, but why the Terrorists keep bringing that up no one will ever know. Ok, ok, so she may have also taken a lot of their forest and forced them out, but can't we just stay on topic here?

Now, as I was saying, little Israel ran and ran, chasing the loathsome Terrorists through the woods with her big rocket launcher that her uncle Sam had given her as a birthday gift. The repulsive, soulless Terrorists, being the evil demons that they are, actually had the gall to try and fight back. Well, they are Terrorists after all. But just then Israel's uncle sent her a tank and a fighter jet and she hammered those goddamn despicable Terrorists and all their little Terrorist pups with all her might. It was an epic struggle, but little Israel would burn the entire forest to the ground if she had too. She was determined, innocent, valiant, pure and, oh, did I say innocent...

Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Friday, July 28th, 2006