The Nation Built On "Zed" Rant
It is a feeble country indeed that attaches itself so passionately to a zed. What the hell am I talking about? Well, last summer my friend Ken hooked me up with an Alphabet website that his daughter Mhari was totally into. And ever since then we've been checking out a few A, B and Cs here at our place just about every single day. Kaishan loves it and he especially loves to sing "The ABC Song", almost as much as he loves singing "The Birthday Song" and Todd Snider's "Age Like Wine". Well, whenever he sings it with a certain type of person around you should hear the almost-deafening roar that ensues once he gets to "zee". "Zee is not Canadian!" the loud protests echo throughout our new house, as Kaishan looks around confused while making a valliant attempt to finish the song with the "Now I know my ABCs..." coda.
"Zee is not Canadian", the indignant and proud Canadians proclaim again and again. "Well, neither are the automobile, the television or the computer, but we use all of them quite regularly now don't we?" I protest. But it is pointless. My appeals to rationality are no match for the raging nationalism of the True Canadian Patriot. But really now, and I've been saying this for years, what kind of fragile sense of nationalism is it that feels so passionate about a "zed" or an extra vowel in words like color and labor or an illogically backwards "e" and "r" in words like center? Hey, why not "playre"? Farmre? Bakre?
Seriously, what sort of country is built on the "zed", the extra "u" and the backward "er"? Don't we have anything more significant to believe in about our country than that? The French have their cheese, their fine cuisine, their wine and then their Liberty, Equality and Fraternity. The Japanese have their work ethic, Zen, martial arts and all that fantastic food. The Americans have their Constitution, their never-ending military adventures, hot dogs, Hollywood, the creation of jazz, rock 'n' roll and just about every other major form of music over the past hundred years or so, and, of course, "The Cosby Show" and "Gilligan's Island". The Irish have their Guinness, Celtic music, bans on contraception even for married couples (until recently) and some damn fine pubs. The English have their mushy peas. The Chinese have 5,000 years of history and culture, amazing food, and an iron grip on Tibet. And all we've got here in Canada is the "zed", the extra "u" and the backward "er"? All imported from our former colonial masters over in the U.K., left-over remnants from the olde archaic English of days long past.
Which can't help make you wonder whether these Followers of Zed and The Backward ER are the same people who pine for the days of British rule and who, still to this very day, drool over the archaic, asinine and irrelevant monarchy? Why not bring back The Divine Right Of Kings and let them rule us with absolute authority? The hell with this democracy thing. It's not Canadian, it's Greek! Plus the Americans use it, so it must be bad, right? Just like that despicable Zed.
The way I see it, many (English) Canadians are a lot like the French, who continue to battle to keep English out of their "pure" French language, never mind the fact that English is made up of thousands of French and Latin words. As you've all probably noticed, I intentionally use American spellings in just about everything I write. Why? Because American English is the world language now and that's simply a reality. Resisting that reality is akin to having the delusional belief that French is still the lingua franca of the world. Or that the Americans are actually fighting for "freedom" in the Middle East. Or that cricket is an exciting sport. Or that serving Coca Cola in school cafeterias is a really good idea for the kids. Or, again, that the monarchy has some sort of relevancy in the modern world. Or that Starship's "We Built This City" isn't, in fact, the worst song of all time.
I'll tell you what, I think Canada is a wonderful country AND I think that all those of us who live here are extremely lucky AND I think we have a shared culture that is quite different in many ways from the Americans, and the Brits, and any other nation for that matter - but I'm telling ya it has absolutely nothin' to do with Zed and The Backward ER. Nothing! If that's all people can cling to in order to feel that Canada is distinct from America then it's time to say screw it all and simply become the 51st state. Either that or find something real to believe in about our country.
Come on people, the foundation of the country just can't be "zed". Show a little self-confidence, self-respect and pride. We're not just a great country because we use some old archaic British things rather than their modern American counterparts. Think about it, we don't eat doughnuts, use tyres, study maths, change nappies, stand in queues or get repulsed at the slightest mention of a fanny pack... or any other fanny for that matter. And you better believe we don't give rubbers to first grade children to fix spelling errors in class. And we certainly don't eat mushy peas. But we're still a great country nonetheless. At least if you ask me, my son and our beloved "zee".
Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead!
Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Monday, February 26th, 2007
